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Diary of an Empath Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Galixie" journal:

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November 28th, 2011
08:33 am
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Violin Review
I bought an electric violin from musicbasics.com months ago. I wanted a bodiless violin so that I could practice at home without disturbing my neighbors. The one I bought cost less than $100 but it wasn't worth it.
  1. The website stated that the instrument would come in ready to play condition but the bridge was not in place when the violin arrived.
  2. The pegs are ill-fitting. The instrument comes with only one fine tuner so I bought three more but ill-fitting pegs can't really be fixed with fine tuners.
  3. The power for the pickup comes from a nine volt battery. Being battery operated is not really an issue, but the battery cover doesn't stay in place.
  4. The action of the strings is too high. The nut was so high I actually took the violin to a shop and had it filed down. This only partially fixed the string problem though because the fingerboard itself is warped (bowed inward) and lowering the nut only made the first two positions playable. Everything from third position on is still unusable.
  5. All of the weight of this instrument is located in the scroll which is a ball of solid, dense plastic.
  6. There is no version of a shoulder pad that will fit and stay attached to this instrument.
  7. The dimensions of the base of the instrument are wider than a standard violin which means that it doesn't fit in any violin case and the nylon bag the instrument comes with is of shoddy design and material.
In short, I give up. I spent months trying to make this instrument playable but I never succeeded. As a practice instrument, all I would be likely to learn are bad postures and techniques that I couldn't carry over to a real violin anyway.

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August 18th, 2011
08:04 am
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I am less.

Ever since taking metformin, which shut off my empathy entirely for a time, it seems like I'm not as empathic as I used to be. I'm not sure why this is, but it's not entirely bad. I feel like I'm in a more normal state. I'm not quite as prone to being overwhelmed by whatever is going on around me. Sometimes I worry that I'm not really less, but have reverted back to how I was before I found out that I was empathic. The reason that worries me is because I tended to absorb other's emotions and mirror them back at people (which is great if they're really happy, but terrible if they're angry or anything else). I hope that I'm not doing that and that I've finally managed to find balance instead.

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July 21st, 2011
09:29 am
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Prostitues or Healers. There seems to be no middle ground in the concept of empathy. People either believe that all empaths are incredibly altruistic and have been put on this earth to heal all physical and emotional ills or they see it merely as a potential benefit in a sexual relationship. There is so much space between these two extremes that it irritates me to hear either opinion. I'm not a two dimensional fictional character. I'm not all kindness. Neither am I all self-interest. There are plenty of times that I have picked up on someone else's misery and chosen not to care about it because I had bigger issues to deal with or because I was too overwhelmed and needed to keep a distance for my own sake. There are also plenty of times when I do care and I try to help if I can. I like to think that is called being human. One does not make me less of an empath and the other does not make me more of one.

As far as healing goes, it's entirely possible that empathy evolved as a self-preservation technique with no altruistic intent. It is possible to be empathic without being a healer (or a prositute either for that matter) just as it is possible for doctors to heal without being empathic.

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July 18th, 2011
12:00 pm
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I turned in my sharps container today. It took over two years to fill it (late 2008 to mid 2011). They were supposed to charge me a $5 fee but the pharmacist didn't bother. Cool. :)

When I originally bought that container I was told that any hard plastic container would work so now I'm using an empty juice bottle. It will fill up much faster now that I've switch to subQ. On the plus side, since it's clear, I'll be able to tell when it's actually full. It's hard to tell with the other kind.

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July 13th, 2011
07:46 am
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Have I mentioned lately that I feel really good?

My sleep pattern is still a little messed up, but it's not affecting me too badly and I finally have consistent energy. Last weekend I did a couple of hours or yardwork and I had no dizzy spells and I didn't spend the rest of the weekend as an exhausted lump on the couch. It's sort of a miracle.

I've had more desire lately to be out of my house (outside or just running errands or whatever). I realize part of that is because it's summer and therefore still light out in the evenings, but it's still a nice change. I'm even vaguely toying with the idea of taking a class or looking for a new violin instructor or something.

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July 8th, 2011
01:03 pm
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It's been an odd day so far. The power was out at work until the moment I stepped in the door. A meeting I completely forgot about was cancelled and I was only made aware of that cancellation after I would have shown up for the meeting if I had remembered it. And, I was actually semi-hungry enough to go hunt down an actual lunch today (subway). Very weird, but in good ways. :)

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July 7th, 2011
01:36 pm
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Sleepy. I am not getting quite enough sleep. It seems to be for different reasons on different nights. A few nights ago it was because I got the hiccups while I was asleep and they were bad enough to wake me up. The night after that is was because I had a dream that wasn't even remotely scary but was so irritating that I woke up anyway. I can't find a reason to blame the weather. I just want a nap.

Weirdly, other than the sleepiness, I've had pretty good energy lately. I've managed to do things outside of my house two whole nights this week. I don't think I'll make it out to the Grind this week though. That might be pushing it a little too far.

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June 30th, 2011
08:03 am
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Yesterday I was speaking with someone I only see about once a month. Since the last time I'd talked to him, he'd injured himself pretty badly while playing baseball. We talked about it for awhile. He had a good sense of humor about the whole thing. I wasn't consciously thinking about it but I wasn't really picking up any discomfort while he was talking to me (which is fine with me since broken bones don't feel good). It wasn't until about a half hour after the left that I suddenly got really sharp rib pain. The fact that it was delayed like that is weird. Usually it either comes through when I'm talking to a person or it doesn't come through at all. I wonder what made the feeling come through later?

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June 25th, 2011
11:34 am
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I set out on my Canadian oddessy around 10am yesterday. It was close to noon when I arrived at the border and was allowed through. I headed straight to a pharmacy and asked for some injectable B12. I asked if I could get more than one and, without asking how many, the pharmacist brought two to the counter. I had actually wanted three but, when the pharmacist started asking why I was buying two, I thought I'd better not ask for a third. I explained that a lot of it was being wasted because I was doing frequent subQ injections instead of monthly IM ones. He seemed satisfied at the answer and rung up the purchase.

The pharmacy was in the same parking lot as a grocery store so I went in there and bought a third ampoule. There was certainly a price difference involved. The two I'd purchased at the pharmacy were $6.99 each. The one I bought at the grocery store was $12.98!

I opted not to stop for lunch because I wasn't particularly hungry. I headed back to the border crossing and waited. It was 12:37 on my dashboard clock when I pulled into the backed up line of cars waiting to cross. About an hour later it was finally my turn. I declared my B12 purchase, just as I have on previous occassions when I've crossed to buy it. It confused the border agent who believed that the only over the counter medication a person could bring across the border was tylenol with codeine. He asked me why I was buying it there and I said it was easier to purchase in Canada. He figured that it must be a controlled substance so he sent me into the customs building to talk to another border agent. It was around 1:45 when I got into that line. It was around 3:50 when I finally reached the front of the line. There were two lines waiting to see agents but the agents kept callingn on people out of only one of the lines. You guessed it, I was in the other one. The intervening two hours were spent chatting with other people in line. We'd all been handed little orange forms when we were directed into the building. On mine the first agent had written and circled "wacky" and below that "see note". I have no idea what the note said since it wasn't on the form.

While waiting in the non-moving line, I called out to an agent who was nearby and asked him which agents were serving the line I was in. No one in line with me had been able to figure it out. The agent's response was, "I'm not on the clock," then he turned and walked away. I called after him saying, "Remarkable customer service!" (a phrase that had been bandied about at my job recently), then gave him two thumbs up and smiled. Some of the people in the line near me found it amusing.

When I finally got to speak to an agent, I showed him the B12 and told him that I had previously brought it in with no difficulties. This agent was also under the impression that only tylenol with codeine was permitted, so I pointed out that the website says "up to 50 doses of medication" and he said, "You're right, it doesn't specify."

He was still not entirely certain and had to go ask someone for clarification. When he came back he explained that it was a no-brainer that vitamin B12 is not a controlled substance. The question had only been about the fact that it was injectable. He asked me how much money I save by injecting over taking pills. I told him it was actually quite a bit (which was an easier answer than trying to explain why pills wouldn't work). Then he asked me if I was planning on selling it to anyone once I got home. I assured him that, after all the hassle to get it, I was planning on keeping it for myself. After that he stamped my orange form and told me I could go. It was 4:03. It took over three hours to cross the border.

After that little hiccup, I viewed the speed limit as more of a suggestion than a rule and made it back to my house around 5:30. The whole trip took me seven and a half hours.


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June 20th, 2011
02:29 pm
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Because I didn't get it the first one hundred times she said it...

I had emailed the naturopath to check to see if she had actually run one of the tests she said she was going to. She hadn't but she asked me how the food elimination was going so I answered this way:

I am cutting out the things that were level three (moderate) and above. Most of what's in that category, strangely, are things I don't eat already so I have no problem avoiding coffee, crab, blueberries, and cranberries.
Sesame seeds are harder to avoid because most asian foods include them and so do all versions of hummus. Dairy, of course, is in everything (including bread) so that is much harder than the rest to avoid. Even products that don't contain dairy often have warnings that they are manufactured on equipment that comes in contact with dairy. I'm not really sure if I should be worried about that sort of cross contamination or not. I doubt there would be a high enough level of content to really warrant concern.

Here response (which doesn't even bother to address the cross-contamination issue I raised) was this:
I'd be most concerned about those things that have dairy additives like whey which is added to many things. The safest way to eat is eating unpackaged items that have nothing extra added - meats, vegetables, fruits, and to be sure to wash the fruit to avoid the yeast possibilities. Fresh breads from Great Harvest or others similarly prepared may have no dairy, or hidden ingredients. I know it isn't easy, but hopefully will be worth it all in a month or so. Good luck!

Obviously she does not comprehend my hatred of food preparation or she would not keep repeating this inane advice. It is a given that I'm going to shop for packaged foods. I'm even going to eat at restaurants sometimes. Did you know that Wendy's burger buns don't contain dairy? I know it now.

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